Deconstruction.

Deconstruction
Taylor Horne

I've brought down the walls
And wrecked the foundation
I've started a new build
With plans for salvation
   
The dust fell around me
In the wake of destruction
After bombs took my limbs
I learned how to function

I'm hardly a fighter
But my battles are won
With no scars of ruin
No smoking gun


I think they were hoping
I'd be brought down to tears
That they'd stay on my mind
For year after year 

Well let me inform you
I've forgotten their names
All the ways they have hurt me
For personal gain

So don't come through swinging
That big wrecking ball
I'm building a fortress
and It's gonna be tall

Happy Valentines Day!

Roses aren't red
Taylor Horne

A dozen roses, cards that sing, and crimson candy hearts.
This holiday now makes me sick, now that we're apart.

A glass of wine, with candles lit and wild lustful sex.
All nauseating memories now that you're my ex.

Sushi rolls, hand-crafted cards and dessert homemade for two.
Gestures I so sweetly chose to kindly waste on you.

This year I am all alone, a shame but I don't care
Cause' I've a heart shaped box of treats that I don't have to share.

Happy Valentines Day!

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Glitz and Glam

Glitz and Glam
Taylor Horne

Paint your nails and paint your face
Spray every hair into its place.


Pick out clothes that hug your curves
Show some skin, youve got the nerve.


Wear those shoes that make you tall
Work the catwalk at last call.


Flip your hair and bat your eyes
Smile and wink for all the guys.


Talk and brag of where you've been
Make an entrance, don't blend in.


Dance and shake to that new song
Forget the war that's going on...


Your the one they're fighting for
A sad, pathetic, shallow whore.


The running joke,most laugh or snicker
Because you can not hold your liquor.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

I am okay:)

Hello Everyone,

I feel inspiration to write. This post will be unplanned, ill just say what is on my mind. I am okay, I am happy. For the first time in 5 months, I am excited to wake up. I put effort into myself again. I have dreams!!!! I want to travel the world, and wear the fashions of the world, and meet interesting people. I want to photograph absolutely everything, and everyone that I can. I want to live in the city but fly all over the world. I want to help as many people as I can, and listen to as many stories as I can. I want to taste the best foods of the world, and talk about the best books! I want to live! Not just for me, but for all the people who can't. I am really talented. I have visions that people need, and enjoy. My work is becoming more and more recognized, and I love that.

In 10 years I want to be the kind of person that people want to be, that people look up to. That makes people want to live. I just want to enjoy life, and laugh, and cry, and live. All I want to do is keep on living as much as I can. I want to take risks, and fall in love again. I want to cook, and bake and create.

Look out for me world. I am getting shit done!

Frozen Transit, Burnt coffee.

I spend my morning in transit again. There's something oddly poetic about only seeing the world in the dark. However, as the ice fell off the unlit car of the R5, I realized that I start most of my days before the sun starts to shine.

I would like to thank whom ever it was that invented coffee. Its like gasoline. I start my morning sucking down my coffee, that might as well be an I.V. Drip. It's cold out, the morning is blue with a frozen stillness, everything is blanketed by freshly fallen snow. I have always had a fondness for the snow, as long as I can remember.  I have always believed that it is the one time that my world stands still. Frozen.

When I was younger I had always imagined myself traveling. Never have I actually imagined a destination in that fantasy. But being in transit has always been a part of what I would imagine myself doing with my life. I never gave much thought to having a family, or mattering much at all to anyone. I have always just imagined myself functioning quite well alone. Recently of course I have found how wrong I was.

When I went to Italy, I ended up walking the streets alone. Of course I was in a relationship at that time, but I was so new to it, that I still had my wits about me. I remember walking through Venice and Florence, by myself. I felt so free, like I could take on the the world. I didn't even feel alone.  I have always had a knack for going in and out of peoples lives. I love my world, and I think that my mistake was that I tried to make someone a part of it. Instead of creating a new one. I have a systematic way of going about my life, and I think that being with someone takes that away from me, makes my world theirs.

I am a strange breed.  I never feel comfortable in other peoples worlds. I can not sleep well in a friends house, nor do I feel at ease in the home of a lover. I will find myself the entire time, missing the most insignificant things; My bed, my books, my selection of herbal teas. I am comforted by the security and familiarity of knowing every things rightful place. Where I keep my tea cups, soap, which light switch controls which light, all of these things bring me peace of mind. I could see the same place all the time for 2 years and still want to end the night back in my home.

Not being able to distance myself from that desire makes me rather...unreachable, unobtainable. I think that it has to do with the unshakable fear of being temporary. I know that I can not allow myself the comfort of familiarity, because I know that it is inevitable that I will end up saying goodbye. Of course I leave my mark in peoples hearts, and worlds, without peeing on a fire hydrant. But people are so easily erased(physically at least) You might take down my photos, or burn my letters, or change the sheets that I slept in. But I still live in your mind. I start to wonder where this fear of mortality began. I feel at best like a gentle breeze or maybe a storm.

Don't get me wrong, loving someone is a wonderful thing. But for what? I don't think I will be able to find anyone of my caliber, or my desire to know absolutely everything. I recently got into a conversation with a new person in my life about love. We spoke about the possibility of loving people because they love you. I feel that that was a big part of the way I loved the last person I dated. He has flaws, and baggage, and so many things that I overlooked because he loved me. So many things that would make our coincidence, just frankly impossible. But he did love me at one time. In a way, no one else could or will. I realized this because as soon as he told me he no longer loved me, all of his mistakes and flaws, were not so forgivable. He became immediately unattractive  He no longer sparkled, at least not naturally. I used to get high off the way he would look at me, or always made me feel. Like I was so much greater then I really was. But then I began to feel as if I was not allowed to make mistakes, or to have flaws. I still loved him very much beyond all that, but without the return it wasn't worth fighting anymore.

But enough about my train wreck romance. I now know that I have the ability to make people attracted to me. I learned to love, and be loved, and genuinely care for people. I don't really hold an interest in relationships. Sex is just generally uninteresting to me. One night stands are too psychologically disruptive for me. I find them illogical. You can not reap the benefits of a relationship without the commitment, it isn't fair to either parties. Don't pass go don't collect two-hundred dollars. For me, the things that I find most desirable are the things that people hate. The hard times. Though, I do not wish to share my life with anyone at the moment, I do feel that someday it is just unavoidable.

The moments I cherish the most are, falling asleep together, sitting together, holding hands. Quiet moments, in a time where my life is a raging storm. Cards and gifts leave very little impression on me. But I do miss talking to someone. This blog is my new relationship, in that respect. My black notebook that this excerpt comes from, knows my secrets, my greatest ideas, my worst decisions. This notebook will not walk out on me, it actually wont walk at all for that matter.

Dating seems to be the last thing on my list right now. Yes please call me jaded, heart broken and send all hate-mail to my email. Reserve a special glaring look for me. But honestly, it is no more of a priority then it has ever been for me. I fell in love and it was just so insane. Suddenly my dreams were no longer on the horizon.  Love is so blinding.  I feel like I lost valuable time to improve myself. I am not complaining, nor would I change anything, if I wasn't dumped I would honestly still be content sharing my life with someone. I have no regrets. But the last 2 years of my life are just so fuzzy to me.  I sit here on the same train, with the same coat. Yes I am blond now, and so much smarter, and my perspective has changed. I am not the Taylor I was 2 years ago. I am no longer as vain or materialistic, being that I have lost almost everything that I once coveted. I am so much more serious now. I have realized that my relationship, was always so light and joking, and when it got time for serious matters, I was alone.

I cant relate to most people. I feel that I am never on the same track as any of the 100s of people with whom I encounter in my life. I am such an old soul. I feel like "growing up" happened to me so quickly in the sub-sequence of the last 3 years. I feel mature, but in a place that I don''t want to be. Legally I am not allowed to drink, but I am allowed to be in debt. I am not like most 20 year-olds. I own a company, I don't go clubbing, and I have no safety net or parents to bail me out.

I am a rare breed. I am gay, yes, but I care so little about Lady Gaga, or who is involved in Hollywood scandals, or who is wearing what, or who slept with who. I don't wear revealing clothing, or makeup. I don't have an insatiable desire to be feminine, nor do I find that even remotely alluring. I am surrounded by men who are so immature, and insecure. People today, have the strangest priorities. 
I feel so much more at home with 30 year-olds. I would love to swap photos of the kids and talk about real things. It seems the entire world is looking for a distraction. Or trying to sound deep with their Facebook statuses.

Facebook, by the way, is the worst thing in the world. If it is used for networking, its great but now its just everyone's venue to pretend they are celebrities.  I mean of course I am addicted. It is the opiate to the masses. Well, that and New Jersey reality television; of which I am also uninterested. The last 2 years I feel like I was pretending to be more gay then I really am and so much more 2D then I really am because I felt that is what was expected of me. In 2010 I left my home in PJs for the first time since I was a kid, and I own a business. I really would love to be in sweatpants all the time. I love guys that can pull off that look. I honestly do not care what people think.

With that being said, I often get the question, "Why did you decide to work in fashion?" Of all trivial and menial things!!! Because at the time that I was getting into it, I was that vain, 2D person that many people I love have become. Vanity is like suburban homes, you make sure all is neat and clean on the exterior, while bombs go off inside. I do not find peoples clothes or material possessions to be impressive or interesting. On the days which I look my best, I feel that people look right through me. Or they look at the clothes I am wearing, but I am not a person to them. I wish I could wear my inside on the outside. I swear people think they can read me like a book, in a world where people are voluntarily illiterate.

I have gone on dates with with many guys, who tell me that I am, "fascinating." Because I don't feel the need to let the world see me half naked, or have sex on the "dance" floor. Because I would rather discuss the strange popularity of Charles Dickens over pop culture. People act like I am trying to be something I am not, when I order herbal tea instead of a carbonated liquid-conglomerate. "your so different, its nice to meet someone real and grown up." Why is that a rarity? Why is that a surprise? Then these same men go out and fill the roles of mediocrity. Playing the expected part.

Seems like all anyone ever does is talk talk talk, but nobody grows or changes. Its astounding. If I make it through my 20s without one casual encounter, or scantly clad night out, should I receive the high prize? Oh right, I'm "boring" or "stuck-up" People act like I am missing out, like real life starts at 30, I am surrounded by people who have an insatiable need for attention. I am sick of being around people who work so hard to look interesting. All I do is wake up and be 100% me everyday and I am "fascinating?" I do not lie about myself or embellish my life. Nor do I dress or act a certain way for other people. I feel so extricated. People walk out of my life to go hop into the parade of decorated mediocrity. Then suddenly the next person comes along and runs the gauntlet of my lifestyle and finds me special. They say they like me the way I am, then try to corrupt me, get in my pants, or bring me down to their low place in life and when that fails, they give up on me. As if I am like them, as if I am all talk. Nope. I really am this boring.  I do not want to do shots with you. No fourloco will ever be consumed by me. No thank you. I don't want to "dance" with you amongst every viral infection. Maybe I am too smart, I am logically driven, I operate on systematic practices. I do not operate on emotion. My desire for acceptance does not compromise my moral values, or make me do things against my wishes.

Do not tell me I don't "live", because I swear to you my heart is beating, even as I inhale the city smog into my lungs. I have no desire to be seen. I don't feel that quiet time at home takes away from my image. I don't have a back to back social schedule. To me that isn't success. Though I do make time for the people who I love, who do not find me boring or think of my views as insane. People who's company I enjoy, and whom I do not find abrasive or exhausting. So this is me. Alone on a train. Because this is what I wanted. This is the life I have chosen. I chose success over "fun".

Goodbye

Tree

The Tree

Taylor Horne

To be a tree. So tall and strong

To've seen all sights from dusk to dawn

To grow and root and hold the hive

To live on best days, half alive

Dusk to Dawn(work in progress)

Dusk to Dawn

Taylor Horne

From love and lust to hate and wrath

Your face in faded photographs

The distant laughter in the hall

The pain and tears, our rise and fall

I found a letter, from your pen

With hearts and dated way back when

A box of us from better days

I struck the match, it set ablaze

I stroll among the ash and dust

The path from love to failing trust

Birds of a Feather.

Birds of Feather

Taylor Horne 

Oh, such striking plumage, for all the world to see

Your vibrant hues, greens and blues do fill my eyes with glee

But seasons change, and hunters come, and you can scarcely hide

Your feathers molt, and all that's left, is what you have inside

As mating goes, your colors make most hens stand open-beaked

But underneath your stunning shades, your center's more unique

The bird I knew, was plucked and bruised and suffered broken wings

And safe away inside our nest, his soul would start to sing

I once saw what others see, and now its overlooked

You're the prettiest of birds, and now your goose is cooked